Rach's Ramblings

Thoughts from another world

Restart, Reboot, Reset…and eat chocolate.

My friend calls it ‘resetting’ and that’s what it feels like. It’s not bad or good, it just is.

After two months in my homeland, the first week back in India has not been easy. I am reprogramming to life here; feeling my feet slipping and then remembering where the footholds are again.

I had to reset when I got back to Australia too. The roads were wide and clean and the cars went so fast. Here we never go over 60km, and it took some adjusting to life in the fast lane. I went to the supermarket on my first day back, and Andy had to come and find me as I was gone for over an hour. He found me standing lost and confused in front of an array of clothes detergents and not knowing what to choose.

I wore a dress and sandals and felt exposed and vulnerable- I was showing so much leg! I held hands with Andy in the street. I crossed the road at a pedestrian crossing and the cars stopped. I used a credit card. I held up a line of shoppers as I tried to figure out what pay pass was. I carried my own groceries to the car. I ordered a salad and felt safe eating it.

I also readjusted to movement and shifts in the lives of my friends. I admired pregnant bellies, gooed over new babies, grieved over broken marriages, wondered at bravery in the face of terrible sickness. Time had shifted and moved on and there was a sense of running to catch up.

I relaxed fully. I sat for hours on a chair at the beach with the sound of waves and my children playing and the sun warm on my face. I remembered this life and it fit, but it fit differently. Like a favorite t-shirt that has shrunk in the wash; it looked the same, I loved it the same, but it didn’t sit in quite the same way as it once had. I know why. I was a visitor and this was not my home right now. I loved it, cherished it and had my fill of it but I was passing through in the knowledge that I wasn’t ready to live here again quite yet.

Back in India I am finding my place again. Andy was immediately thrust into the routines of work, but I am home with the kids and rediscovering the blessings and difficulties of life here. Last night, Levi decided he doesn’t like egg yolks anymore. He likes the whites but not the yolks. Ordinarily, this would not be the end of the world, but I nearly cried. I have a precious list of what I can cook here. It is limited by ingredients available and it has taken me a year and a half to put together a menu that does not include cheese on toast three times a week. It is not ok for egg to be removed. Egg will remain and Levi will have to remember that he likes it!

I soak the vegetables again. I wait for the water filter. The grocer didn’t have cheese and my pizza doesn’t taste the same. Last week I was wearing three items of clothing- bra, undies, dress. Today I am wearing fourteen- bra, undies, long socks, long johns, jeans, thermal singlet, thermal top, kurta, cardigan, fleecy, down jacket, gloves, beanie and scarf. All at the same time. And I am still cold. I know I am blessed to even have fourteen layers to wear. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying.

In truth, I like myself better in India. I am a better version of me. I am not distracted by materialism, I am satisfied with less. I am more reliant on Gods grace and I run to His arms daily for my every need. I am a better parent and have energy and time for the things that matter.

But not this week. I am resetting. I need to not think big thoughts, make big decisions, get morose or over analyse. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and take my baby steps through this week and into the next…. until my resetting is complete and I can once more delight in my life here. In the mean time…I’m going to eat my entire stash of Australian chocolate in one week!

My beautiful home in the clouds